Sunday, July 13, 2008

Kenzie's 12th Birthday party!

Some pictures from Kenzie's birthday bash/sleepover party. Here's a brand new purse from Rose.

A Rhino Webkins from Samantha.
Nail Art set from mom and dad. They used it that night and loved it.
Here they are using it.
THis is what Isaac thinks of the whole birthday party/sleepover!
The goodie table.
The Birthday cake
Pigging Out
AFTER the pigging out.
A Pink Nintendo DS from mom and dad!

Friday, July 11, 2008

More dreams

I'm not sure if I'm stressed, worried, sad, lonely, or what but I find myself dreaming about my grandmother a couple of times a week now. My last dream was Wednesday night. And it wasn't even really about her. My dreams are about us cleaning out her house (not the apartment she moved into years before her death, but the house she owned my entire life before she moved). It's always about the other neglecting to clean out a piece of furniture, and sometimes it's furniture that she never owned in real life, just in my dream. In the dream I'm frustrated, hurt and angry by the fact that the others (my mom and her siblings) will not listen to me or really let me help with anything. Most of it was done before I got there (in my dream and in real life). I still harbor a lot of upset over my grandmother's passing. Not just that she passed but how I was kept in the dark about a lot of things. All because I lived 6 hours away and had kids to take care. I feel like I've been denied certain things to help deal with her passing, that everyone else was granted because they were there to help her and each other as she grew worse.

I don't want this to come off morbid but the last time I saw my grandmother she was obviously sick, but she could still sit up and talk to me and the kids. I remember Isaac had just gotten a pair of Spiderman tennis shoes, that when you walk they light up. So he stood in front of her and stomped his feet to show her the lights. Evan Grace, always a shadow, had on her black dress shoes, and she started stomping her feet, giggling. Grandma was very impressed with them. :)
We hugged, and kissed goodbye. And that was it. To go from that to her funeral 2 and a half months later was a leap for me, even though I got reports on how her health was getting worse, I was never told all the details. I don't know how to get passed this part. I don't mind dreaming about my grandmother but I want it to be good dreams, not dreams that leave me upset or frustrated. Not dreams that have me thinking of all the bad things days later.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

I thought we were done

I thought all the potty training in my house had come to an end. I was sadly mistaken. :(

Evan Grace is putting Hannah on the potty. Isaac is holding Eben Ace with her bottle. I guess she's waiting her turn. A close up of Hannah miraculously using the potty! I mean she's only a few weeks old!
Evan Grace the proud mom, helping her baby if she needs it. I just like how the hat is folded and then placed on top of Hannah's head!

Our zoo trip.

We had a really great time at the zoo with some of the mom's from church. I was so happy that my buddy Erin and her two kids got to ride with us. Here some pics!

This is Evan Grace showing up how the Lions were sleeping! Isaac and Evan Grace looking at the Lemer's
It was sooo hot. Evan Grace liked the melted ice pack that Erin put on her head!
Why do my kids always NOT look at the camera? Or look sad? Austin on the other hand looks great!
Isaac and Austin digging.

Today I had my heart discerned.

Okay, it was three days ago, on Wednesday, but I'm just trying to make a point. The bible clearly says, "Judge not least ye be judge." BUT the Bible also says, 'You shall judge a tree by it's fruit.' I've always been hung up on these two verses and exactly how they work together. Judging a person is making up your mind on their heart issues. For example, 'They must not be a christian or they wouldn't have done that.' Or more recently what happened to me when someone remarked that I was walking in unforgiveness, when they didn't know the whole situation.

So what does it mean to judge a tree by it's fruit? If you're not supposed to judge, why use the word judge here? Here's my take on it and how I understand it. If a tree is producing apples I can pretty much assume it's an apple tree. If the tree is producing pecan's then I can say with complete confidence that it's a pecan tree. You with me so far? ;) I knew you were. Soooo, if a person's life is not producing the fruit of the spirit, (faithfulness, kindness, goodness, self-control, etc) then it's safe to say that person may not know Christ. That's not judging the heart, it's taking stock of what that person's life is producing and we clearly have the right to do that. We do it with our children quicker than we do it with anyone else, or even for ourselves. My oldest daughter (Mackenzie) isn't allowed to spend the night with certain girls her age, because all I hear out of those girls mouth's is boy talk and who's cute and who they want to date. Their fruit is totally strung around guys. Mackenzie is barely 12 and that's not what kind of seeds or fruit I want planted, or growing in my daughter.

What's my point in all this? Since my walk with Christ has increased tremendously over the past two years I've tried to walk a straight line between, not judging people's hearts, but watching the evidence of their fruit dictate to me if this is a go or a no. Now, to have someone I trusted discern my heart in an ugly manner really bothers me and throws me for a loop. You can't disguise discernment/judging underneath, "I'm your friend so I can just spit it out there." It's wrong, no matter how you cut it.

On a happier note, I feel the HS is dropping the word 'reinvent' into my heart at every turn. I've being exercising, and taking better care of myself, (despite the hives and allergy/colds that I can't seem to shake). I've been getting more time to myself here lately as well. Not much but I'll take whatever I can get. I feel like this is a new beginning for me. That I'm going to keep the things I like from the past few years about me, get rid of the stuff I don't' like and better develop my backbone. My most recent bosses really tried to break it and now I've got to spend some time building that back up. :) It's working and I'm in love with this word, 'reinvent.' When's the last time you reinvented yourself?

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

I'm mad

I'm not sure why it still gets to me. But I my anger at somethings that have taken place the past few months is only seeming to grow. So I thought I'd blog it and hope to vent and see if that helps. Everyone pray AC doesn't see this and narc again because she can't handle it. Let's jump in shall we?

They are stuck up, none-love showing people. They take advantage of those around them and think they can force people into doing things their way without asking them.

This isn't going in the right direction. I'm going to start over.

I was part of their click, and then when I had my head examined and eyes opened, realized I no longer wanted to be a part of their judgemental, dictator, controlling things just to control group I got out. In love I got out. I didn't just up and quit. I didn't shot off at the mouth and storm out like I SOOOOO wanted to. I smiled and told them, they had to do what was best for them, but I needed my hours cut back and when they didn't like it and started looking for someone else...(who's a joke by the way) I silently breathed a sigh of relief. You should have seen the look on his face though, when he thought he dropped the bomb and I calmly looked at him and said, 'It is what is isn't and if it works it works and if not that's fine too!'
You mean Jessica doesn't want to be a part of the best ministry team on earth? I could see clearly stamped into his forehead as some kind of flashing neon skin light. No, she doesn't, because guess's NOT the most important ministry out there, not even close. How many people have they turned away by not showing them love and compassion? I know the count, I was there for almost two years. I SAW the count. That's an important ministry? Surly you jest!!!

But now I'm treated as an outsider. And on some level I'm okay with that, but when my kids are pulled in to it I'm not. So very very not! Am I just blowing up, am I letting this eat at me when I should already be over it?

They've really hurt me, never have I been treated like this with anyone on ANY CHURCH STAFF! and I'm just amazed that a church this big can have people on their payroll that are this ugly to other church members. They are very creative and that's wonderful but that's where it ends completely!!!!!

Ugh, I just don't know what to do anymore. Coming in with a smile and a hi isn't cutting it.