Friday, July 11, 2008

More dreams

I'm not sure if I'm stressed, worried, sad, lonely, or what but I find myself dreaming about my grandmother a couple of times a week now. My last dream was Wednesday night. And it wasn't even really about her. My dreams are about us cleaning out her house (not the apartment she moved into years before her death, but the house she owned my entire life before she moved). It's always about the other neglecting to clean out a piece of furniture, and sometimes it's furniture that she never owned in real life, just in my dream. In the dream I'm frustrated, hurt and angry by the fact that the others (my mom and her siblings) will not listen to me or really let me help with anything. Most of it was done before I got there (in my dream and in real life). I still harbor a lot of upset over my grandmother's passing. Not just that she passed but how I was kept in the dark about a lot of things. All because I lived 6 hours away and had kids to take care. I feel like I've been denied certain things to help deal with her passing, that everyone else was granted because they were there to help her and each other as she grew worse.

I don't want this to come off morbid but the last time I saw my grandmother she was obviously sick, but she could still sit up and talk to me and the kids. I remember Isaac had just gotten a pair of Spiderman tennis shoes, that when you walk they light up. So he stood in front of her and stomped his feet to show her the lights. Evan Grace, always a shadow, had on her black dress shoes, and she started stomping her feet, giggling. Grandma was very impressed with them. :)
We hugged, and kissed goodbye. And that was it. To go from that to her funeral 2 and a half months later was a leap for me, even though I got reports on how her health was getting worse, I was never told all the details. I don't know how to get passed this part. I don't mind dreaming about my grandmother but I want it to be good dreams, not dreams that leave me upset or frustrated. Not dreams that have me thinking of all the bad things days later.

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