Monday, March 24, 2008

Full Moon Cigarettes

We shared cigarettes beneath full moons
discussing British Lit and cantankerous professors
We sang John Mayer beneath umbrellas
before anyone else knew he was in.

Diligent studentswe swapped notes and theories
laughed at Chaucer, kissed through Beowulf
Winking and smiling through the Bard.
Sir Gawain was no competition
when he called me Guinevere
holding hands to whisper
Tennyson in my ear.

A life in the day

I'm blogging again. I stopped blogging for awhile, when one of my blogs created quite the dust up with a few folks. Ahhhh...the power of the written word. It can make those you think were your friends your enemies. It can show you who will rat you out in a heart beat, who not to trust and help pin point those friends that really do know your heart. But I digress!

My parents came down for Easter service. It was great, the service and the visit with my parents. My mom and I did some major spring cleaning at the house and dad of course, had to work on things, fix whatever might need fixing and just do the man stuff! It was great. I was blessed with supportive, loving parents. It's always hard when they leave though. Makes me hate Alabama more every time.

Mackenzie's school year is wrapping up, a few more months and she'll be out for summer. Isaac knows the letters A-J and how to write them somewhat. So that's great as well. Evan Grace is almost completely potty trained....go Ev!! The dojo is still booming. Found out that one of the greatest people I've ever met (lisa boatner) has sold her house and is hopefully moving back to Huntsville! Can't wait for that!

Job wise,'s sucks...but what's new. I'm living for the day I can walk in and quit and go home and celebrate! I'm a stay-at-home mom who's not getting to stay at home like she should and no matter how much lipstick you try to put on a pig, it's still an ugly pig!!!! God's growing me though, that's why I'm here, and where I'm at doing what I'm doing and trying to be happy about it. I said trying.......I use to not try at I'm making progress....right?

The Truth Behind

*author's note* after this ditty was published on my myspace page someone saw it, ratted me out to whom they thought it was about and I shall we say it....called into the principal's office over it!!!!! I'm not kidding!!!!! How high school!!! (let's hope the same person doesn't know about this website!!)

It's sad when those you're around the most, in a safe atmosphere, take advantage and pay no mind. It's hypocritical to believe that people aren't hypocrites at heart. We all are. It's when we have to see it face to face that catches us off guard. It's easy to go into something open and trusting. It's when you get to know the people that creepy crawlies start slithering out.
At first I was upset and surprised. When the screaming started and no one was there to defend me, nor point a finger in my direction. No apologizes have been made. Why would they be? I've messed with their core group. I've come in like a whirlwind, learned too much, caught on too fast. So now the censure starts. Don't talk to this person. Say nothing of this to no one. This made her feel bad when you said that, don't do it again! Last I checked I'm a grown women and need no one to tell me who and what I should and shouldn't talk about. I'm not a gossip, never have been, never will be.

They gave me responsibility, more than others. Yet every single detail is still controlled as if they never handed it over. Is it really my responsibility? I'm out of the lime light, it only made them look bad when I was in the shadows of their lime light. I answered too many questions, or so I'm told. I was too quick to help when help was needed, or so I'm told. Here's my hand....make sure you slap it now, you'll not get another chance.

I've never been told I help too much or need to slow down, to back off. That was until now. Now I have to overanalyze my words, my actions, my character. My personality, as they are so fond of blaming. Is that really service? Am I wrong in remembering a scripture from the Bible that says to do all things in excellence? Now I have to measure my excellence against their excellence and never exceed what they excel at. I can't be more excellent than the core group. I can't have an answer to a question or help someone when they are around.

It's sad; that such a joyous, overly devoted heart, has been boxed in, squeezed, ignored then continually pushed farther back off stage, and for what? So that I'm not the one that others come to. So that I'm not the one that has the answers that the core group may not have or have overlooked.

I'm a common denominator in this equation. So I'll take myself out and leave them to decipher what x equals now. I'll let them flounder. It's not up to me to change them, or help them see their weaknesses, or wickedness, is their a difference between the two? I don't have to stay around and let them use me as their go-to-girl behind the scenes and then morph into blend-into-the-walls when it's show time. I've been pushed aside for no reason too many times. They want me behind the scenes. I'll be so far behind the scenes that I'll end up in the audience.
I can stand before my maker, face to face, and honestly say I've tried it all with them. I've given them all I could, I listened to their rules. I've made nice with those that spit bitterness my way and loved those that never wanted my love or friendship. I've done all I can do, now I'll stand away from them and hope they can see well enough to one day realize what they've done, what they've crushed, how they've hurt not only me, but themselves.

Demanding at Three

I've been told by many that my son is a heartbreaker. That he has a sweetness about him that just wins you over. And, being partial of course, I have to agree. I've seen his sweetness in how me loves on me and his younger sister especially.
But then there's his dark side. It's like a switch has been flipped and he's went from sweet and loving to rude and mean. I have a hard time saying that about my son but the truth is the truth. I guess it's the joys of having a 3 year old strong willed child. Mackenzie was never, I'll repeat, NEVER like that. She had her moments of course, but it wasn't daily and it sure wasn't hourly either.
At times I feel like all I do is use the spank spoon or hand out warnings. "That's your warning Isaac, if you speak ugly to mom again you'll have to get the spank spoon." Do you know how tired I am of saying that let alone having to actually do it?
He reminds me of a friend I use to have back home, her little boy Daniel. I remember babysitting Daniel and thinking 'why in the world can't they get a handle on this boy?' Now I know. Now I have the benefit of raising a wonderful boy for Christ but with the added work and stress of being a strong willed boy. I think it'll be wonderful for him when he gets older and more established in what he wants to do with life. But it's giving him the boundaries right now that I pray he stays inside of as he grows that's wearing me out.
It's a battle I'm not giving up on. The first 5 years are the most formitive and what set your personality, views and right and wrong cores in place. I'm got two more years before that.....but I somehow feel it's not going to get much easier.
He's worth it though, I wouldn't trade my little buddy for anything.

Just one of those days

It's just one of those days that I wish had never started.
...that I wish I was single again, with no kids, and little responsibility.
...that I wish I was back in college, hanging out with Alison and Donnie.
...that I wish I was back in Virginia, bundled up reading a book, because Oct in Virginia is a different cold than Alabama.
It's one of those days that I wish I could spend by myself, doing nothing but reading and watching TV.
It's one of those days that I wish I didn't have to do the regular two loads of laundry, cook lunch and dinner, then clean up afterwards.
It's one of those days that I wish I didn't have to worry about whatever one has to wear to church tomorrow, and is it clean?
It's one of those days that I wish I didn't have to do the dishes three times a day, or sweep and vaccumm and wash down counters.
It's one of those days that I wish I could leave the beds unmade and not have to help Mackenzie study her history.
It's one of those days that I wish all the toys would stay in their respectful places and the TV is never turned to Disney or Sprout.
It's one of those days that I wish I didn't have to change diapers or help when someone goes 'potty'.
It's one of those days that I wish I just didn't have to do it all anymore.
But wishing never really gets you anywhere.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Tattoo Fix

Hello my name is Jessica and I'm addicted to tattoos. I've had this addiction since I was seventeen and have only fallen off the wagon three times. I feel like I'm ready to fall off again though and I need everyone's support...what the hell am I saying? I’m jonesing for a tattoo!!!

I can't wait to get inked again. Here lately I find myself in front of the computer not looking at Lit but searching for that next perfect tattoo. The one that’s going to mean something to me and jump out and say, 'wear me on your body forever'. Like I've already said I've been under that heavenly buzzing gun three times already and each time has been something like a rush.

I love the smell of tattoo parlors, I like the way the outside rooms are wall to wall drawings of all the different things you can inject under your skin and live with them forever. I like the fact that I can use my skin as canvas and let someone create on me. Sounds a little sexual I know, but tattoos are an ultimate way of expressing ones self and I want to do it again.

It has been almost two years since my last tat and I've already got that itch in the back of my head that's telling me its time to get another one. Now I'm faced with the questions of what should it be and where should I put it. There are just too many places it can go and how am I suppose to make up my mind. I'll keep searching until I find it and then I'll take it into my favorite Tattoo place (Ancient Art in Blacksburg VA) pay my tattoo artist Christian a lot of money and sit down in his chair and let his gun do the talking.

I'm beginning to wonder if tattoos aren't like potato chips, you can't have just one. In my case you can't have just three. ;)