*author's note* after this ditty was published on my myspace page someone saw it, ratted me out to whom they thought it was about and I got...how shall we say it....called into the principal's office over it!!!!! I'm not kidding!!!!! How high school!!! (let's hope the same person doesn't know about this website!!)
It's sad when those you're around the most, in a safe atmosphere, take advantage and pay no mind. It's hypocritical to believe that people aren't hypocrites at heart. We all are. It's when we have to see it face to face that catches us off guard. It's easy to go into something open and trusting. It's when you get to know the people that creepy crawlies start slithering out.
At first I was upset and surprised. When the screaming started and no one was there to defend me, nor point a finger in my direction. No apologizes have been made. Why would they be? I've messed with their core group. I've come in like a whirlwind, learned too much, caught on too fast. So now the censure starts. Don't talk to this person. Say nothing of this to no one. This made her feel bad when you said that, don't do it again! Last I checked I'm a grown women and need no one to tell me who and what I should and shouldn't talk about. I'm not a gossip, never have been, never will be.
They gave me responsibility, more than others. Yet every single detail is still controlled as if they never handed it over. Is it really my responsibility? I'm out of the lime light, it only made them look bad when I was in the shadows of their lime light. I answered too many questions, or so I'm told. I was too quick to help when help was needed, or so I'm told. Here's my hand....make sure you slap it now, you'll not get another chance.
I've never been told I help too much or need to slow down, to back off. That was until now. Now I have to overanalyze my words, my actions, my character. My personality, as they are so fond of blaming. Is that really service? Am I wrong in remembering a scripture from the Bible that says to do all things in excellence? Now I have to measure my excellence against their excellence and never exceed what they excel at. I can't be more excellent than the core group. I can't have an answer to a question or help someone when they are around.
It's sad; that such a joyous, overly devoted heart, has been boxed in, squeezed, ignored then continually pushed farther back off stage, and for what? So that I'm not the one that others come to. So that I'm not the one that has the answers that the core group may not have or have overlooked.
I'm a common denominator in this equation. So I'll take myself out and leave them to decipher what x equals now. I'll let them flounder. It's not up to me to change them, or help them see their weaknesses, or wickedness, is their a difference between the two? I don't have to stay around and let them use me as their go-to-girl behind the scenes and then morph into blend-into-the-walls when it's show time. I've been pushed aside for no reason too many times. They want me behind the scenes. I'll be so far behind the scenes that I'll end up in the audience.
I can stand before my maker, face to face, and honestly say I've tried it all with them. I've given them all I could, I listened to their rules. I've made nice with those that spit bitterness my way and loved those that never wanted my love or friendship. I've done all I can do, now I'll stand away from them and hope they can see well enough to one day realize what they've done, what they've crushed, how they've hurt not only me, but themselves.